I thought this post was going to be about happiness and joy, the difference between the two and how to attain them, but instead, it turned out to be about love.
Because I don't plan My posts, and I don't write them. They flow through Me.
Even when I don't want them to.
Even when it's hard and it's humbling, I must always live My Truth.
So here goes...
This past weekend was hard for Me.
On Saturday the clouds were gathering all day, and by night the darkness was complete and the storm broke.
And it was suffocating. And it hurt. And the sunshine could not be seen.
So, I did one of the things I do best...
I moaned and cried and threw Myself a pity party and basically behaved like a whiny little bitch.
(It's ok S, I'm NOT being hard on Myself again, it's a JOKE, and anyway you have to admit that us badass Warriors sometimes DO whine and moan like little bitches. 😉)
So anyway, in the midst of all the venting and moaning and bitching and crying, I did something I've been consciously working on...
Instead of shutting Myself off from everyone and everything and letting the darkness consume Me, I reached out to the ones I love.
And they loved Me back.
My Twitter fam loved Me and sent Me light.
And I felt it.
And the storm raged on.
My gorgeous Sister loved Me with a voice as beautiful and as soothing as Her soul is.
And She enveloped Me in Her Love, and in Her Light.
And I felt it.
And the storm raged on.
And My Lighthouse loved Me by shining his light so very brilliantly for Me, even while consumed by his own darkness.
And I felt it.
And the storm raged on.
And My Cornerstone loved Me by standing strong amidst the onslaught of the raging storm. Not once did he falter. And he loved Me right through the storm.
And I felt it.
And the storm raged on.
And My Rock loved Me fiercely as only he can. And he stood steadfast through the storm. Not once did he falter. And he loved Me right through the storm.
And I felt it.
And the storm raged on.
I felt so weak and so ashamed of Myself. I felt unworthy of so much love and undeserving of it all, and most of all, I felt like a hypocrite.
How the fuck could I help other people when I couldn't even help Myself?? Why do I remind others to be kinder to themselves, when I can't be kinder to Myself?
And then I slept.
And it was the next day.
And the storm raged on.
And I wept.
And as those who battle with depression know, the tears aren't tears of sadness but of gut-wrenching despair, a hopelessness that seems as though it will never end.
And amidst the tears and the pain I prayed.
And I meditated.
And I harnessed the power of the storm to be productive.
And the storm began to subside.
But I still felt so unworthy.
So undeserving of all this love and of happiness.
And I proclaimed to one of My loves, that I'm not meant to be happy but am here to make others happy, and even while I said it, I KNEW it was wrong.
Because one cannot pour from an empty cup.
And one does not have to be deserving of Love.
Because Love just IS.
Love is the strongest Power in the Universe, and it's our natural state of being.
But somewhere along this journey of life we forgot who we are, and we forgot not only how to love, but also how to accept it. We feel we don't deserve it. Or we think we need to earn it. (I'm looking at YOU, S. Can you feel the weight of My stare?)
But nothing can be further from the truth, because as a wise man once said, "love isn't something that we find, it's something that finds us."
Because Love is like the rain...
It falls on saint and sinner alike, on the damaged, and on the broken, without any judgment or distinction.
So now it's time for Me to let go of the fear, and free Myself from the pain, and allow Myself to dance in the rain.
I know I'm a Being of profound Love, Light and darkness. And even though I HAVE
made My darkness My bitch, the bitch fights back.
But although I may not win every battle, I know I'll win the war.
Because I AM a Fucking Warrior.
And so are you.
I believe in you.
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